Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk
by Super Shayde
Summary: The eagerly awaited sequel to Harry Potter and the Something Something Something! [In Progress]
1. THE SEQUEL HAS ARRIVED!

**Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk and The Pillar of Storgé ****and The Toenail of Icklibõgg and The Girl By The Name of Icicle and Her Father, Mr. Bicycle**

In which JK(also known at Squidward) fries anyone who calls Voldemort Voldy, Dumbledore Is Harry's Grandfather, Voldemort is Harry's cousin, Lily Potter is Still Alive and a cruel Death Eater, Crookshanks is Actually Archie(yeah, the old guy in the flowered nightgown), The Order communicates through Chocolate Frog cards, Neville and Luna fall madly in love, and Harry goes to another trial.(Subject to change.)

(Short version: Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk. Yes, that horribly long title and 'in which' was completely made of rumors. :) )

A/N: I hope this is funny. If it isn't…well…I try, okay? XD **_Please read Harry Potter and the Something Something Something before you attempt to read this story!_**

Chapter One: The Sequel Has Arrived!

Dumbledore clapped his hands loudly.

Everyone's eyes swiveled over, even Flakey's. Which were nonexistent. But that's okay.

"THE SEQUEL!" he cried, "IT HAS ARRIVED!"

"WHOO!" the only Slytherin left in the school besides Malfoy whooped, jumping out of the mysterious broom closet I mentioned earlier.

"SEIZE THAT KID!" Snape screamed, "HE STOLE MY CREAM PUFFS!" Indeed, the Slytherin was holding a tray full of cream puffs.

"You'll never catch me!" The Slytherin cackled, and ran away.

"It feels so empty without the Mary-Sues," Harry sniffled.

"Sniffle," Ron sniffled.

"Not-sniffle," Hermione not-sniffled.

"WHY AREN'T YOU SNIFFLING?" Harry demanded.

"Beca-"

"WHY, WOMAN? WHY!"

"BECAUSE –"

"JUST TELL ME! GOSH!"

"BECAUSE THE MARY-SUES STINK!" Hermione shrieked impatiently.

Everyone in the Great Hall gasped.

"Why do you say such things?" Sirius said quickly, shoving the picture of Mary-Sue Mathers that he had been adorning with a mustache into his robes.

"Because," Hermione whispered fearfully, "They stole the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk from Harry's dear great-grandmother, Mark Evans."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THIS EARLIER!" Dumbledore screamed.

"I was scared," Hermione said feebly.

"So are all of them the Dark Lord's Daughters?" Sirius asked blankly.

"Yes," Hermione explained, "And Kristy was simply a robot, invented and controlled by them."

"That makes complete sense!" Harry gasped.

"It does?" Ron asked.

"Didn't you see how they weren't even upset when she died?" Hermione demanded.

"I'M CONFUSED!" the Hufflepuff yelled, running out of the broom closet too.

"STOP STEALING MY CREAM PUFFS!" Snape shrieked, running after the Hufflepuff.

Flakey ate some more celery.

"Well, Dumbly," he said gruffly, "Its time I was off, but thanks."

"Any time," Dumbledore said courteously.

The cornflake put on his hat and walked out.

"IS IT, LIKE, TUESDAY YET!" the blonde girl screeched, running in again.

"We have no way of telling time anymore," Hermione explained. "We don't exactly know."

"Like, what?" the girl asked, confused.

"Can you just shut it and go away?" Harry grumbled, not in a good mood.

"FINE," the girl snapped. She ran out, sobbing.

"So…" Harry said blankly, "What IS the Kettle of Nackledirk?"

"An amazing device," Lupin started, randomly appearing, "That creates the Un-Aging Potion combined with Elixir of Life when you boil water inside of its magical depths."

"So that's why Mark Evans is only ten?" Harry asked blankly.

"Precisely," Lupin said, nodding. And then he dissappeared.

"Who in their right mind would name a girl 'Mark'?" Malfoy sneered.

Mrs. Evans coughed pointedly, glaring at Malfoy.

"Are you in your right mind?" Ron asked curiously.

"Well, not really," she admitted.

"SO STOP GLARING AT ME, WOMAN!" Malfoy screeched.

"Evil boy," she sighed, "I have much right to glare at you."

"And why's that?" demanded Malfoy.

"Your father is a Servant of The Dark Lord. AND HE STOLE MY BEST KETTLE WITH THE AID OF THESE…THESE…THESE MARY-SUES!" she sobbed.

"So she doesn't know about the magic?" Harry whispered to Dumbledore.

"Nope," Dumbledore said.

Which was surprising, as being Mark Evans' – Harry's great-grandmother, you remember – mother, would be rather old…but looked around twenty-three years and six months, seven weeks, and two days.

"I'm bored," Mrs. Evans said, and dissappeared.

"WE NEED SOME ACTION!" the Slytherin cried, running back in.

"WE NEED A BIG REACTION!" the Hufflepuff cried, running back in as well.

"WE NEED MICHAEL JACKSON!" the Ravenclaw cried, running out of the broom closet.

"WE NEED…" the Gryffindor started, bursting out, but then faltered. "…Why do we need Michael Jackson?" he asked, confused.

"EW, MICHAEL JACKSON!" Malfoy whimpered, breaking a window and running away.

"WE NEED REALLY COOL SUBTRACTION!" the Gryffindor cried lately.

"Seven minus three is four!" Harry said proudly.

((I AM a genius, see:) ))

"Two minus one is one!" Ron said proudly.

"453654635643 minus 56575754534534 is negative 34532345365!" Hermione said proudly, and began spouting random math nonsense. "Square root of sixty-seven! Benchmark! Quotient!"

((Don't even check that, cause I made it up.))

"Hold on, lemme get my calculator," the Gryffindor muttered, looking overwhelmed.

"Hermione's HEAD is a calculator," Ron snorted.

"I'm a young grasshopper!" Harry gloated.

"Oh really?" the Gryffindor blinked.

"Yes really," Harry said, "And that is that."

THE END OF CHAPTER ONE


	2. What Does That Have To Do With Cream Puf...

Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk

Thee-Unknown-Factor: Hey, you didn't listen! I told you to read HP and the Something Something Something before this…it would make more sense….oh, bleh, whatever. Thanks for your review! Yeah, not exactly a great literary work. Actually, THIS parody is supposed to be book seven, not book six. :) My more serious stories I don't think are all that great…my poetry is usually pretty serious, though. But, anyway, YES, HPB SHOULD COME OUT! NOW!

Remember Cedric Diggory: Er…I did that on…purpose? XD Just kidding. That was an accident, but, hey, if you made you laugh, who careses? And OF COURSE, its not the Harry Potter peoples that live in a different times, its me! I live in Super Shayde time. :) So its my fault, darn it.

Avalon Estel: Thanks! Mwahahaha, I am the queen of randomness…kinda. MATH IS GREAT! LETS WORSHIP MATH! Well, at least changing phrases to algebraic expressions, which is eeez-zeee. Yeah, on JK's site when she was cutting down the Mark Evans had a really important role rumor, she was like: "You must have all thought: Of course! Mark Evans is the answer to everything! He's the Half-Blood Prince! He's Harry's great-grandmother! He owns the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk!"…or something like that. I think. XD And…also…:gulp: Alu, I took your Bella "Home on The Range" idea…hope that's okay!

Ash Vault Rose Garden: Thanks, hehe!

A/N: Also, I'm sorry that some sentences have exclamation marks instead of question ones. keeps deleting my question marks! Its very strange…maybe I should just stop using both of the marks together?

Chapter Two: What Does That Have To Do With Cream Puffs?

"So, why were you guys hiding in the broom closet, anyway?" Ron asked, confused.

"Because," the Ravenclaw whispered, "We are the heirs of our respective houses."

"Well," Hagrid said, coming over, "Because you're all heir-y and stuff, you're all getting O's!"

"COOL, BRIBERY!" everyone shrieked.

"And we're all fighting against Voldemort," the Gryffindor added, "Well, except for the Slytherin guy. He's just kinda there to steal people's cream puffs."

"Yup," the Slytherin agreed. "I'm too cool for school!"

"What does that have to do with cream puffs?" Harry demanded.

"I dunno," the Slytherin said.

"Oh," Harry said.

"ANYWAY," the Hufflepuff cut in, "We're here to help you get the Kettle of Nackledirk, as well."

"NOT ON MY WATCH!" Malfoy shrieked, running into the Great Hall in a chicken suit.

"ITS DRACO MALFOY, THE AMAZING BOUNCING FERRET!" the Ravenclaw yelled, "SEIZE HIM!"

But the Hufflepuff had a better idea. She threw the cream puffs at Draco!

Snape came running in, eyes wide. He pointed at Draco with a shaking finger.

"YOU!" he roared, "MY MODEL STUDENT! YOU STOLE MY CREAM PUFFS!"

"Plus he's wearing a chicken suit," Dumbledore whispered helpfully.

"PLUS YOU'RE WEARING A CHICKEN SUIT!" Snape hollered.

"HOME, HOME ON THE RANGEEEE!" Bellatrix Lestrange shrieked, swinging in on a vine through another one of the windows.

"NOOOO," Snape yelled, running away and covering his ears.

"Oh no!" Neville gasped, "Its Bellatrix Lestrange! I must protect my love Luna from the fate that befell my parents! Bellatrix will surely torture those I love to get to me!" He grabbed Luna, who blinked, and duckedunder the table.

"Since when has Neville been so heroic?" Ron demanded, but there was no time for anyone to answer, as….

BELLA WAS TRYING TO CAPTURE THE FOUR HEIRS! AND NO ONE COULD LET THAT HAPPEN!

Harry let out a moan. "NOOOO," he moaned, running over to Bella in slow motion, "Do not take my friends!"

"We're friends already?" the Slytherin asked, blinking.

"Well, no," Harry admitted.

AND IN THAT SPLIT SECOND OF HIS REPLY, BELLA HAD TAKEN THEM AWAY!

Had the Slytherin done so purposely? Was he on Voldy's side? Harry would have pondered these questions further had not JK fried his brain for thinking the word 'Voldy'. Fried whatever was left of his brain, anyway.

"VOLDY VOLDY VOLDY VOLDY VOLDY!" Snape screamed, who was becoming extremely suicidal in his lack of cream puffs. JK fried him with her laser-beam-y eyes.

"He'll come around," Hermione shrugged.

"WE MUST SAVE THE HEIRS!" Dumbledore announced. "Everyone jump on a thestral!"

Everyone could see them, just to make things less complicated.

"LENARD NIMOY!" Neville shrieked suddenly.

"Huh?" Harry asked stupidly.

And in that split second, while everyone was focusing on Neville, VOLDEMORT, WITH A LOUD 'ZAP!' NOISE, APPEARED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM!

"I heard Michael Jackson was arriving?" he asked blandly.

"Nope, but we're getting a fresh supply of really cool subtraction tomorrow!" Hermione said eagerly.

"And reactions!" Ron added.

"And actions!" Harry added.

"Oh," Voldemort said. And then he dissappeared.

"I don't want to be a young grasshopper anymore," Harry whined suddenly. "I want to be a young praying mantis."

"Sorry, kid, can't do that," the author said, "That's just how it goes."

"But praying mantises are cool," Harry whined.

THE END OF CHAPTER TWO


	3. Dude, Where's My Karma?

Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk

Haley Carr:sniffsniff: I agree whole-heartedly! ;) :hands tissue:sniffle:cough:not-sniffle: Thanks :)

Remember Cedric Diggory: Wow that's coolios! Not cheerios…COOLIOS. I've never actually had a cream puff, hmm…Thanks for the reviewy!

Avalon Estel: YAY! I am…un…unloved. Un-unloved! MWAHAHAHA.

Ash Vault Rose Garden: Who's MacGuyver? Is that another Star Trek thing? I don't know much about Star Trek, I just needed a random name and/or word. Hehe.

Faint Hate: I find Michael Jackson a bit frightening. XD

SHAME ON ME?

SHAME ON HER!

JK Rowling: Shame on me?

SHAME ON YOU, JK! SHAME!

Draco: Shame on you?

SHAME ON HER!

Draco: Shame on her?

YES!

Yuck, Jell-O. Don't snort it out of your nose again!

Gina: Er…I'm not sure how my story would be an asset to your newspaper…and it would make no sense if Harry Potter and the Something Something Something wasn't printed along with it…but that would make it very long. Also, the site deleted the end of your email address for safety, I'm presuming, so I can't contact you about it…

The-Book-Dragon: Definitely. I'm trying to make the sequel better. Lots of sequels aren't all that great, in fanfiction. And in movies. Thanks :)

A Cute But Pyscho Bunny: WHOA, you hath returned! YOU should write a story with all that crazyness running around your brain, seriously…not to mention the karmas revving around, too, and the yipping dogmas and catmas. Speaking of karma/catma/dogma, could I use it in this chapter? Pleasey pleasey? …Well, you won't even read this until the chapter's up, so I'll just give you credit and hope you won't hate meh. XD

DISCLAIMER: THE KARMA JOKE BELONGS TO A CUTE BUT PYSCHO BUNNY. All other jokes belong to ME!...well, most of them. Some of them. A few. A couple.

Chapter Three: Dude, Where's My Karma?

Suddenly, the doorbell rang.

Hermione ran over and opened one of the doors to the Great Hall, peeking through suspiciously. Then she squealed in delight.

"IT'S THE REALLY COOL SUBTRACTION!" she shrieked.

"LIKE, OH MY GOD!" Harry yelled, running over and grabbing it from the delivery guy. "IN YO FACE, MAN!" he screamed, slamming the door in the guy's – yes – face.

Hermione shoved Harry and took the box from him, thrusting it over.

"THIS ISN'T MY SUBTRACTION!" Hermione wailed.

"Nope," Dumbledore confirmed, walking over. "It's my karma."

"Your karma?" Ron demanded.

"My karma," Dumbledore repeated.

"His karma?" Hermione asked, confused.

"His karma," Harry agreed.

"Who's karma?" Neville demanded.

"His karma," Hermione said.

"Oh," Neville said.

So Dumbledore jumped into his karma!

"AWAY WE FLY, MY FRIENDS! EVERYBODY GET ON A THESTRAL!" he screeched, starting up the karma. Unfortunately, it didn't fly. It kind of was just a normal karma. And, so, unexpectedly – the karma ran over Hermione's catma.

"YOU RAN OVER MY CROOKSHANKSMA!" Hermione wailed.

"So?" Dumbledore demanded haughtily.

"I dunno," Hermione shrugged.

"EVERYONE GET ON A THESTRAL!" Dumbledore roared, getting impatient and glaring at everyone in the room.

"FINE," Harry pouted, who still wanted to be a young praying mantis.

So everyone got on a thestral. TO SAVE THE HEIRS!

…But Dumbledore got distracted by a block of flying cheese and took them the wrong way.

When they got back to Hogwarts…

THE CAR WAS GONE!

"Dude…" Dumbledore said, his eyes widening. "WHERE'S MY KARMA?"

And somewhere far, far away…Snape was cackling madly. As HE had stolen the precious karma, wakening while the chase for cheese had taken place…but no one knew…YET.

THE END OF CHAPTER THREE

A/N: How will Dumbly survive without his precious karma?

How will Hermione survive without her precious catma?

Will Sirius the dogma be run over by Snape in the karma?

How will they find the heirs?

How will Harry reach his ambition of being a young praying mantis?

And, most importantly…

WHEN WILL SNAPE GET HIS CREAM PUFFS ONCE AND FOR ALL, WITHOUT BEING STOLEN FOR ONCE IN HIS TORTURED LIFE?

Find out next time – or in a few next times – at Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk!


	4. WILLIAM SPUNKYPANTS? FUNKYPANTS?

Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk

Remember Cedric Diggory: Well, the cream puffs were demanding a raise! I had to cut them out of a couple of chapters to, er, cut down the costs. Whoa, you're like, pyschic. With the praying mantis thingy.

Harry: HEY, I'M THE ONLY PRAYING MANTIS ROUND HERE!

Me: Quiet down, dear boy. :patpat: Someday, someday…or not.

A Cute But Pyscho Bunny: Hahahahaha. I stolded it! Oh my god, that Toenail idea is soooo gross but a super-cool idea. I may use it…mwahahaha. Seriously, dude, you should write a fic yourself with all these crazy idea! Please write one! And I shall review it! MWAHAHA!

Avalon Estel: Hey, thanks! It was all my idea…well, kind of.

Naoko Tasaki: Homework on the weekend STINKS! The karma joke was "My karma ran over my catma", not a dogma…but, I dunno. Maybe she did, I'm not sure. I've never read the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, it never looked too interesting to me. I'm updating, I'm updating! REJOICE!

Watergal01: Totally, dude. The LOTR moments have totally lessened! I NEED MORE! I'll try to include one in this chapteroso. Oooh, I like the heir idea..but I think you mean Aly, Mandy, Misty, and Erica? 'Cause Kristy kind of died. XD

Faint Hate: Whoo, that review confused me. Yay for NOT snorting Jell-O out of noses! And yay for Holi, and spraying people with paint! Whoooo!

Ash Vault Rose Garden: Aww, now I feel…little. Hey, I was alive in the 90's! Sniffle!

Henrietta-Black: Oops, I forgot about that…Well, the story is truly nonsensical in every way concievable, I believe…and it's another mistake to add to the "seven weeks" category!...Or I might make something up, hee hee hee.

The-Book-Dragon: Aww, I'm sorry about your dog, I'm glad she was okay! Yeah, cream puffs don't sound all that good…but they're mentioned EXTREMELY BRIEFLY in one of my favorite books – Milkweed by Jerry Spinelli! Whee!

Elvengirl9: Wow! You're back from the dead! What happened? Did you go on vacation or something of the sort…? Confusionness…but thankses! And Snape WILL get his cream puffs…someday…someday I say!

EE's Skysong: Wow, CBPB is starting a whole bunch of trends here! Wowzas! Thanks!

Chapter Four: **WILLIAM SPUNK-AY-PANTZ**

_In which the karma returns_

"WHOOO!" Severus Snape whooped, riding into the Great Hall with his newly stolen karma, holding his arms up in joy. Suddenly, he heard a loud 'SQUIIIISH'! He looked down, dissappointed as the car stopped moving. "Eh?" he demanded, climbing out and looking under the car. And what was there but a…squished dog.

"FINALLY!" Snape screamed, "THE BANE OF MY LIFE IS GONE!"

"Hey, what about me?" the Slytherin heir demanded, crossing his arms.

"YOU! THE CREAM PUFF STEALER!" Snape shrieked, running after the kid for exactly five seconds until he halted, realizing something…

"HEY!" Dumbledore yelled, "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be trapped by Bellatrix Lestrange!"

"Trapped?" the Slytherin cackled. "I am…UN-TRAPPABLE!"

Then he did a little dance.

Harry's eyes widened. He strided forward and waved a hand in the Slytherin's face and demanded threateningly, "Hey, man, who are you?"

"Me?" the Slytherin asked innocently, "I'm no one…NO ONE BUT…" He shook violently, obviously transforming into something terrible, his eyes widening and turning a shocking red as tufts of his black hair fell from his head… "NO ONE, HARRY POTTER, NO ONE BUT LORD VOLDEMORT!"

Harry gasped. "YOU!" he said, rather pointlessly.

"I WANT MY KARMA!" Dumbledore wailed, running over to it and then driving away.

"HEY!" Snape screamed, "GIVE THAT BACK!"

But it was too late. Dumbledore was already driving and snacking on the cream puffs in the glove compartment.

"NOOO," Snape wailed, "I am all sad and angsty!"

"So am I," Harry whined, "My godfather's dead, dude!"

"Plus your worst enemy is RIGHT HERE," Voldemort said impatiently.

"That too," Harry added thoughtfully.

"I need my subtraction!" Hermione wailed.

"GET OVER IT!" barked Ron.

Then everybody wailed over Sirius, except for Snape and Dumbledore.

"He isn't moving," Luna observed calmly.

"Well, duh, Sherlock," Ron snorted, "He's d-e-a-d!"

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT HER!" Neville shrieked, flicking the Toenail of Icklibogg out of his pocket and flinging it at Ron. "DIE, RED-HEADED, FRECKLY ONE!"

"GULP!" Ron gulped as the Toenail was thrust at him.

"NOOO," Harry wailed, jumping in front of it. The Toenail was lodged into his own toe now! (Neville had horrible aim.)

"OWW!" he moaned.

"Sorry, mate," Ron said sheepishly.

Harry gingerly pulled the toenail out of his toe. It was very bloody by now, and so was his toe.

"You're looking very red today," Luna remarked blandly.

"Indeed," Harry agreed, but then his eyes widened at the toenail.

"THIS TOENAIL RESEMBLES THE GREAT PLAYWRIGHT WILLIAM FUNKYPANTS!"

"Funkypants?" Ron said blankly.

"Funkypants?" Hermione said, aghast.

"I'VE GOT THE FUNKIEST PANTS IN ALL THE WORLD, YO!" William Funkypants announced, strolling into the room. He did indeed have funky pants. They were lime green.

"William Funkypants!" Harry gasped.

"Well, actually," said William Funkypants, "I prefer William Spunkypants, to tell you the truth." Then he walked away.

"COOL!" Harry yelled.

"BRIBERY!" the rest of the people in the room chorused.

"Totally, dude," Harry agreed.

THE END OF CHAPTER FOUR


	5. ALEXANDER THE GREAT and YELLOW MONKEY DI...

Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk

Avalon Estel: Hey! I was NOT insulting Shakespeare! I just thought of a stupid name. It was originally going to be Timmy Spunkypants/Funkypants, but I thought William sounded better... Oh, wait, I said he was a playwright. Oh, well. But it wasn't supposed to be Shakespeare. XD Well…anyways…RANDOMNESS ROCKS!

Naoko Tasaki: BROWNIE! I'm updating, I swear! Ooh, call your ficcy Harry Potter and the GREATEST FANFICTION AUTHOR IN THE WORLD, SUPER SHAYDE!...Just kidding.

Remember Cedric Diggory: Aww, poor you! The praying mantises WILL RETURN!

A Cute But Pyscho Bunny: Whoa, that's a whole lot of stinky angst. Yeah, well, Sirius was a BAD professor. He accepted bribery! And that's…er…bad! Yeah! Ew, shrimp. Yum, 1,000 Island. Ew, Draco. Ew, Tom Felton. Is it REALLY the heir? You'll have to find out, haha. I liked the heir, too. He was coolies. But he wasn't really snotty, he was just cream-puff-steal-y.

Thanks to: EE's Skysong, Haley Carr, Faint Hate, Ash Vault Rose Garden, and Henrietta-Black, who I am too lazy to reply to as I want to write this chapter quickly because of the delay and long wait.

Chapter Five: Yellow Monkey Dishwashers and ALEXANDER THE GREAT

"Sooo…" Voldemort said casually, but then his eyes narrowed. "FEAR ME!" he roared.

"That's very interesting," Luna remarked.

"Yes, it is," Voldemort said proudly, but his eyes narrowed again. "I have brought a great evil," he said eerily. He paused dramatically.

"THE EVIL OF YELLOW MONKEY DISHWASHERS!" he shrieked.

"Yellow monkey dishwashers?" Harry demanded.

"Yellow monkey dishwashers!" Hermione gasped, ducking under the table.

"YES," Voldemort cackled, reaching into his pocket…and pulling out the DREADED YELLOW MONKEY DISHWASHER and setting it before him!

Just as he was about to press the dreaded red button that activated the thing(it was full of smelly underwear), Alexander the Great galloped into the room on his faithful steed and accidentally trampled it.

"I DEMAND CREAM PUFFS!" Alex screamed.

"NO!" Snape shrieked. "MINE!" He held his freshly made cream puffs to his chest, incidentally getting whipped cream all over his sable robes.

"NO!" Alex shrieked. "MINE!" He withdrew a sarissa – an 18 foot long spear – from thin air. "GIVE UP THE CREAM PUFFS OR HAVE A HOLE POKED IN YOUR BELLY BY MY POINTY THING!"

"HEY!" Voldemort yelled, "I AM THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO YIELD POINTY THINGS!" So he killed Alexander.

"You killed a great historical figure!" Hermione moaned. Then she fainted from despair.

Harry weeped over Sirius' dead body. Suddenly, Remus appeared.

"What's going on…?" he asked, confused at the scene until he saw Sirius. He dropped to his knees. "NOOOOO!" he wailed, "I AM THE LAST TRUE MARAUDER LEFT!"

"What's that mean?" Ron asked.

Remus shrugged.

"Very informative," Ron said sarcastically.

"Like, so totally informative," a familiar voice said.

They all turned in surprise.

"Aly?" Harry gasped.

"Yeah, like, its totally me," she said, smirking, "And I didn't come to see YOU, I came to see my omnipotent, uber-cool dad."

Voldemort beamed.

"I MUST KILL YOU!" Harry shrieked, taking out his Green Flame Torch.

Aly kicked it out of his hand with some crazy mumbo-jumbo karate move. Then she ate some cheese, waved to Voldemort, and left.

"GASP!" Harry gasped pointlessly.

Then Luna ran off to find Crumple-Horned Snorkacks(or whatever they're called) in Sweden(or wherever they live).

"NOOOO, DON'T LEAVE ME LOVE!" Neville cried, running after her.

Suddenly, Snape burst out, "Let's sing the Froggie song!"

"OKAY!" everyone agreed cheerfully.

"A froggie for you," Harry sang, "A _polka-dotted_ froggie for you!"

"A froggie for you," Hermione sang, "A _burny_ froggie for you!"

"A froggie for you," Ron sang, "A _stripey-tastic_ froggie for you!"

"A froggie for you," Voldemort sang, "A _Jimmy Choo fancy shoe_ froggie for you!"

"Jimmy Choo fancy shoe?" Snape said blankly.

"Jimmy Choo fancy shoe," Voldemort confirmed.

"Okay then," Snape shrugged.

"ITS FISHY TAG TIME!" Dumbledore shrieked, driving in with the car.

"YAY!" everyone shrieked.

Everyone ran around slapping each other with dead fish.

"This is kind of gross," Ron said conversationally.

"True," Harry said brightly.

"Wait…" Harry said suddenly, "THERE IS NO TIME FOR FUN! WE MUST FIND THE HEIRS!"

"OH NO!" everyone chorused, "WE TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT!"

So they all flew off on nonexistent wings to find the heirs.

They stopped to take a break in an eerie forest.

"Gosh, I'm so tired," Harry groaned.

"Me too," Ron whined.

"Shut it, you two," Hermione said irritably.

"I'm not tired…" a creepy voice said from behind them, "I'm HUNGRY…for HUMANS!"

They all turned around, aghast, to see…

THE END of CHAPTER FIVE(no, that's not what they saw.)

A/N: HAHAHAHA a cliffy!


	6. SPAM! Don't you know its my best friend?

Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk!

Remember Cedric Diggory: Okay, FINE! The praying mantises shall return! In this chapter, I say! In this very chapter! MWAHAHAHAHA! (Jimmy Choo fancy shoe.)

A Cute But Pyscho Bunny: OMG, you can get hyper off of grapes? YESH! MANIAC WOULD SO WIN OVER ALEXANDER! I hath never seen the Incredibles, I heard it was good, though.

Avalon Estel: I am the ruler of weirdness! Yay!

EE's Skysong: Glad you liked it:) Ooh, St. Jimmy? Like the Green Day song? I lurve Green Day. Jimmy Choo is a shoe store though, thus 'Jimmy Choo fancy shoe'. :)

Naoko Tasaki: Nope, I haven't used that one :) OOH, CUPCAKE! I had a cupcake yesterday. It was, like, the most, like, totally aweshumness cupcake, like, ever.

Ash Vault Rose Garden: STALKER? WHERE! All that jazz! Yeah! Ska! Save Ferris!...yeah.

Faint Hate: You would cry? How very sad! SPRAYABLE CHEESE? KYLE? CHESTER B.? DUCT TAPE! WHERE?

Chapter Siz: Get on with it, woman!

_In which people laugh because of other people dying and there are lots of unnecessary songs_

Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Bl-

"Well?" Harry demanded impatiently, "What did we see!"

Oh, right. The actual story.

They turned around to see…FLAKEY!

"Flakey?" they all asked fearfully.

"Yes," Flakey growled, "Dumbledore didn't have cheese fondue to put on the celery! I guess I'll just grind you up and put you on my crunchy vegetables instead!"

"Is that supposed to be a threat?" Harry demanded, waving around his menacing plastic Green Flame Torch.

"Duh," Flakey said dully.

"Duh? Duh, huh? Duh, you say?" Harry asked angrily.

"Don't provoke him, Harry!" Hermione squealed.

"And you were the one who said to be nice," Ron snorted.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" the cornflake roared, coming up to Ron.

"Nothing," Ron squeaked.

"Be nice, Ron!" Hermione hissed.

"I don't want to," Ron whined.

"I'M HUNGRY!" the cornflake whined. As eating the Trio is off-limits because they're oh-so-obnoxious and wonderful, he ate Neville, who had randomly appeared, instead.

Draco burst out of the bushes, laughing at Neville's bloody remains. Praying mantises danced around Draco!(There're your praying mantises, Remember Cedric Diggory:))

((UNNECESSARY SONG #1))

"'Cause look how things have gotten! And I'll be happy so I won't pretend! And I'll be cheering that you're going down! And I'll be laughing, I'll be laughing!" Draco sang, "Ha ha you're dead! And I'm so happy! In loving memory of your demise!"

"SILENCE!" Harry hissed, "YOU'RE AN EVIL PRAT!"

"Thanks," Draco sneered.

"I'm not hungry anymore," Flakey said blankly.

"Good," Ron said nervously.

"LET'S GO FLY OFF ON OUR NONEXISTENT WINGS!" Hermione said, ecstatic, and launched herself into the air.

"Yes, yes, let's!" everyone agreed besides Harry.

Harry yelled, "I want to look around for the heirs HERE!"

"But its scary here," Ron whined.

"I DON'T CARE!" Harry screamed, so he ran off by himself while everyone else swooped around on nonexistent wings.

He soon reached a clearing in the forest.

A girl was singing loudly, dancing around the clearing.

((UNNECESSARY SONG #2))

"Spam! Its pink and its oval! Spam! I buy it at the Mobil! Spam! Made in Chernobyl! Spam!" she sang, "Now, when I was a child, my family was so poor! They didn't have the finer things in life to eat! So we had a plan – in a big blue can, the government substitute for meat!"

"S-P-A-M!" she yelled, "Don't you know its my best friend?"

She stopped, finally noticing Harry. And, finally, he recognized her as she stopped her frenzied dancing.

"Erica?" he demanded.

"Of course," she smirked.

"WHY ARE YOU SINGING ABOUT SPAM?" Voldemort roared, suddenly appearing.

"Because its cool," Erica explained.

"Kids these days," Voldemort grunted.

"Its my best friend!" Erica whined.

"Oh, fine," Voldemort sighed, "Now capture the idiot boy."

"Okay!" Erica agreed, running over and grabbing Harry roughly.

"OW!" Harry screamed. "OWIE! OW! OWWERS!"

"BE QUIET!" Erica yelled.

((UNNECESSARY SONG #3))

"SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!" Voldemort roared, "DON'T WANNA HEAR IT! GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY WAY! STEP UP, STEP UP, STEP UP! YOU'LL NEVER STOP ME!"

"CAUSE I CAUGHT YA! OH YEAH I DID!" Voldy screamed(My brain is now fried. Whee.).

"You think you're special!" Harry spat, "But I know, and I know, and I know, and we know – that you're NOT!"

"I AM special!" Voldy whined.

"Sorry, dude," Erica sighed, "Gotta break it to you, but you're not."

"I'm not?" Voldemort sniffled, tears forming in his eyes.

"Nope," Erica said simply.

THE END OF CHAPTER SIX

A/N: Anyone who can tell me what any of the unnecessary songs were gets a cookie:)


	7. MADE IN CHINA!

Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk

To all the people that reviewed Chapter Six: I am too lazy to reply to you. Hah! But, I will say what the songs were.

Unnecessary Song #1: "Ha Ha You're Dead" by Green Day(Yay for Green Day!)

Unnecessary Song #2: "Spam" by Save Ferris(This song semi-annoys me.)

Unnecessary Song #3: "Shut Up" by Simple Plan(I HATE SIMPLE PLAN.)

Okay, anyone who knew those gets a cookie for each one they got right. :) There will be more unnecessary songs in this chapter! Also, Remember Cedric Diggory, there were praying mantises in the chapter – I noticed there weren't right after I uploaded the chapter and put it on the story, and then edited the chapter, but this site is ANNOYING and didn't update the story until hours later. Sorry!

Also, sorry this chapter took SOOOOO long.

**Chapter Seven:** Made In Ohio!

_In which Voldemort reveals a SECRET_

So, Voldemort and Erica brought Harry to Voldy's secret lair in the woods.

Harry was not happy about this, so he screamed and flailed the whole way.

"SILENCE!" Voldemort shrieked, "WILL YOU EVER BE QUIET?"

"No," Harry said defiantly.

Voldemort glared. Harry glared. Voldemort glared. Harry glared. Erica sang while Voldemort wasn't paying attention.

((UNNECESSARY SONG #4))

"Sing like you think no one's listening," she warbled, "You would kill for this, just a little bit! Just a little bit, you would kill for this! Sing me something soft, sad and delicate! Or loud and out of key! Sing me anything!"

Neither Harry nor Voldemort were paying attention. Harry glared. Voldemort glared. Harry blinked. Voldemort blinked.

They finally reached the lair.

"You killed my father!" Harry spat at Voldemort.

"No, Harry," Voldemort said seriously, "I am your father."

"No you're not," Harry argued, "You're my cousin."

"Oh yeah," Voldemort said, confused. He paused. "BUT I DO HAVE A DIFFERENT SECRET!" he yelled. Starting to sob, he pulled up his t-shirt(don't ask me why he wasn't wearing robes) and on his back three large words were written in thick, black ink.

"MADE IN OHIO?" Harry screamed, reading them.

"Yes, Harry," Voldemort cried, "I was made in Ohio."

"EEEEW!" Erica shrieked, "That's why you have that weird factory smell! I thought you were just kind of stinky!"

"BE QUIET!" Voldemort yelled through his tears.

This upsetted Erica, so she began to sing.

((UNNECESSARY SONG #5))

"I can't make it on my own," she sobbed, "Because my 'eart is in O'io! So cut my wrists and black my eyes, so I can fall asleep tonight, or die! Because you kill me! You know you do, you kill me well! You like it too, and I can tell! You never stop until my final breath is gone!"

"YOU'RE SUCH A JERK!" she hollered at Voldemort, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MADE IN OHIO! NOW MY HEART IS STUCK THERE AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"But Ohio is for lovers," Voldemort whispered, "Your heart has a right to be there!"

"I DON'T CARE!" Erica screamed, "I'M ALL ALONE! AND YOU SMELL LIKE OLD BALOGNA! AND I'M LONELY!"

"Ew, balogna," Harry said, wrinkling his nose.

Erica ran away, crying.

"WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THESE CRYING GIRLS?" Harry demanded.

"I dunno," Voldemort said, filing his nails.

Then he walked away. Erica ran back in, knowing he was gone.

"I have a secret too," she said, her eyes red as they darted around fearfully.

"You do?" Harry asked.

"Yes," she said, tears streaming down her face. She turned around and lifted up her hair, revealing the back of her neck.

"MADE IN CHINA!" Harry shrieked.

Erica turned back around, and stared at him, ashamed.

"Yes," she sniffled.

"You're annoying," Harry not-sniffled, "Go away."

"FINE!" Erica screamed, stomping off.

"Maybe I didn't really have parents," Harry said, once he was alone. "Maybe I was Made In Taiwan!"

"I was Made In Canada!" the Heir of Gryffindor said proudly.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" Harry shrieked, "You're supposed to captured!"

"I am captured," the Gryffindor heir pouted, "But you're kind of stupid, so they had to make it easy for you to find us."

"Oh," Harry said.

And then the other two heirs popped out of nowhere.

And then all the people that had been flying on their nonexistent wings charged in.

"GIVE US HARRY!" they yelled, thinking Voldy would be at the doorway.

"Oh," they all said, realizing he wasn't.

"Hi, Harry!" Ron said cheerfully.

"OH, RON, I LOVE YOU!" Hermione shrieked, finally confirming her feelings. (Sorry for you Harry/Hermione shippers out there.)

"I love you too, 'Mione!" Ron yelled.

((UNNECESSARY SONG #6))

"You make me wanna la la!" Hermione sang, "In the kitchen on the floor! I'll be a French maid, when I'll meet you at the door! I'm like an alley cat! Drink the milk up, I want more! You make me wanna…you make me wanna scream!"

"Uhh," Ron said nervously, "Okay then."

"Its true!" Hermione insisted.

"Couldn't 'I love you' have been enough?" Harry said irritably.

"No," Hermione said.

SUDDENLY, Erica ran back in! She blocked the doorway, armed with a wand and a stick.

"DON'T COME NEAR ME!" Erica shrieked, "I HAVE A STICK!"

"Oh no!" Luna said, "What should we do?"

"I don't know," Harry sobbed, "I just don't know."

THE END OF CHAPTER SEVEN

A/N: Whoever gets a song gets CHOCOLATE! MWAHAHA!


	8. Don't be picky, Mr Sticky!

Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk

No review replies, yet again, sorries. I am just concerned with finishing these chapters recently because I have been lazy and/or busy. Yay for tests being over!...well…math test on Monday…and the Humanities project…BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT.

The unnecessary songs were:

Unnecessary Song #4: "Existentialism on Prom Night" by Straylight Run(HATE IT.)

Unnecessary Song #5: "Ohio Is For Lovers" by Hawthorne Heights(HATE-HATE IT.)

Unnecessary Song #6: "La La" by Ashlee Simpson(WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS MY HATE FOR THIS SONG.)

Okay, everybody gets chok-o-lat-ie now. Well, if you got it right, that is!

**Chapter Eight: **Don't Be So Picky, Mr. Sticky!

_In which Erica's stick is much too picky. Uh oh._

"Yes," Erica said menacingly, "Fear the sticky. Mr. Sticky. SAY IT: MR. STICKY!" she hollered.

"Mr. Sticky," everyone said, the fear evident in their shaky voices.

"YES!" Erica screamed, "MR. STICKY."

"Mr. Sticky," everyone repeated.

"Mr. Sticky says he hates you," she gloated.

"Mr. Sticky says he hates us," everyone whispered fearfully.

"Mr. Sticky says…" Erica started, but then her eyes widened. "MR. STICKY SAYS HE DOESN'T LIKE CHINA!" She started to bawl.

"Don't be so picky, Mr. Sticky!" Hermione pleaded to the stick.

"YES," Erica yelled, "DON'T BE SO PICKY! STUPID STICK!" She threw the stick and it cracked into two bark-y, wood-y pieces.

Everyone seized their chance and ran away. They sang as they ran, and it went like this: "Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho! Oh, yo ho and a bottle of rum! Yo ho, yo ho, Jolly Roger, and yo ho, hey ho, and something something something!" And they all giggled in glee!

"WE GOT OFF, WE GOT OFF, WE GOT OFF!" Ginny, Fred and George sang, like in book five except now it doesn't actually make sense…kind of.

"I like raccoon monsters," Ron said.

"I like picnics," the Nearby Picnicker said.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Frodo Baggins shrieked, "YOU SAID YOU'D SHOW ME THE STRAWBERRY GOODNESS!"

"YOU FREAK!" Sam shrieked, defending Frodo.

"Oops," the Nearby Picnicker said, and then he ran away.

"With a whoop whoop whoop and a hi ho! Along the narrow stretch! With a rat tat tat and a tippy tippy tap, and down the rolling bow wow wow! With a noodle oodle oodle and a bugle sound! And through the woods he ran Billy Boy, and through the woods he ran!" the group of Hogwarts students sang. (Don't ask me how they know Appalachian folk songs. THEY JUST DO.)

"You're all very sing-y," Sam observed.

"You're both very hobbit-y," the sing-y people remarked.

"Why thank you," Frodo said. And then the two hobbits ran after the Nearby Picnicker!

Suddenly, Snape appeared, lips pursed. "So," he said menacingly at the group of students, "_So_."

"…So what?" Harry said, after an extremely long pause.

"You," Snape snapped, eyes flashing, "_You_ stole my cream puffs." He pointed at the Gryffindor heir.

The Gryffindor boy cackled. "MWAHAHAHAHA!" he cackled hysterically, "MWAHAHAHA!" His body shook in spasms of laughter, until finally his disguise fell off in a pile at his feet.

"MISTY!" everyone screamed in shock as the Gryffindor's disguise was removed to reveal Miss Misty the Mary Sue.

"The heirs are not safe," she said in a robotic tone, "Even under the eye of the Headmaster, the Mary-Sues prepare to strike – the elixir of life will soon be in their grasp. Voldemort will return to power!"

"Stupid Seers," Ron grumbled, "That didn't tell us anything we didn't already know!"

"WHERE IS THE REAL GRYFFINDOR HEIR?" Harry yelled as Misty began to break out of her trance.

"I shan't tell," Misty whined.

"I HATE YOU!" Harry shrieked.

"FINE!" Misty screamed, "BE THAT WAY!"

Suddenly, a mysterious voice came out of the bushes:

"I wield the ever-powerful MRS. Sticky, even more powerful than the strong Mr. Sticky. FEAR ME!"

THE END…of Chapter Eight


	9. STINKY!

Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk

To Those Awesome Reviewer People: Thanks for being patient and waiting for this chapter. Sorry it took so long!

Disclaimer: The Inigo Montoya quote comes from the Princess Bride movie(not sure if its in the book too, as I've never read the book); I do not own it. Or Tobey Maguire. Or Spider-Man. Or kimchee, 'cause I don't like it. But I do LOVE MANDOO!

Chapter Nine: STINKY.

"MRS. Sticky?" Harry squeaked, "OH NO!"

"Yeesss," the voice from the bushes cackled, "MRS. Sticky. She's so horrible that Mr. Sticky filed for STICK DIVORCE!"

"STICK DIVORCE!" everyone cried fearfully.

"Yeesss," the voice from the bushes continued, "Stick Divorce. And she doesn't like Britain, no she doesn't!"

"GASP!" everyone gasped, "IS MRS. STICKY A MEAN YANK?"

"Yeesss," the voice from the bushes replied, "And she says you're all stinky Brits."

"STINKY!" everyone cried angrily.

"Yees –" the voice continued, but was cut off.

Ron demanded angrily, "Who are YOU, anyway?" He strode towards the bushes, but was pulled back by Hermione.

"_Don't_, Ron!" she snapped, "This person is obviously dangerous! He could hurt you with Mrs. Sticky…and none of us want that happening." She blushed in a most Mary-Sue-ish manner.

"But…my heroic sense is tingling," Ron whined.

"Mrs. Sticky's ANNOYED sense is tingling," the voice from the bushes cackled, "And so is mine."

"My spider senses are tingling!" Tobey Maguire said cheerfully, in his Spider-Man costume.

"Soon I will attack," the voice hissed, ignoring the spider-guy-person-thing-Tobey-Maguire-what-the-poopy.

"SOON SHE WILL ATTACK!" Ron howled, suddenly freezing with fear.

"AHHH!" everyone shrieked, and started to run away, but then noticed Tobey Maguire.

"OH MY GOD!" they all shrieked, "IT'S A SPIDER-SUPERSTAR-GUY-PERSON-THING-TOBEY-MAGUIRE-WHAT-THE-POOPY!"

"Yeesss," the voice from the bushes sneered, "AND NOW I WILL ATTACK!"

Everyone gasped, and Spider-Man ran away.

"SO MUCH FOR HEROICS!" Harry barked at the retreating guy-in-a-mostly-red-costume…-guy.

Then everyone gasped again, at the person who came out of the bushes.

"PETTIGREW!" everyone yelled.

"YEESSS," Pettigrew said, "It is me."

"Hello," Harry said, "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father: prepare to die!"

"….What?" Wormtail said.

"EVERYONE RUN WHILE HE'S CONFUSED!" Harry hollered, so everyone ran away.

"Phew!" Ron said as they were suddenly 29485853489558 miles away, "I think we got away."

"Kimchee is fun to eat," Cho Chang said.

"CHO!" Harry yelled, "GET OUT OF HERE! YOU'RE ANNOYING!"

"No," Cho sneered.

Harry glared at Cho. Cho glared at Harry. And Cedric glared down at Harry from the heavens!

"HARRY POTTER," Cedric boomed from the sky, "YOU HAVE INSULTED MY FORMER GIRLFRIEND: PREPARE TO DIE."

Harry stared fearfully, his eyes big as saucers, at the darkening sky.

THE END OF CHAPTER NINE


	10. CEDRIC!

Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk

Chapter Ten: IT'S CEDRIC.

"Just kidding," Cedric laughed hysterically.

Harry's eyes continued to be large as saucers. "CEDRIC! IT'S YOU!"

Then a group of rampaging dollar bills and dancing Euros traveled across the landscape.

"Holy crap, I'm an idiot," GOF-time Ron said, bewildered.

"Holy crap, he's an idiot," Hermione gasped.

"Holy crap, I used to be an idiot!" HBP-time Ron screamed.

"Holy crap, Ron is still an idiot!" Harry said loudly and swooned.

"What the hell is going on?" Cedric demanded.

"HOLY CRAP!" GOF-Ron shrieked, "IT'S CEDRIC!"

Cho finally got the gist of all this screaming and fainted.

"NOOOOOOO, CHO!" Cedric yelled, "Don't leave me!" So now-ghostly Cedric lifted Cho from the ground and floated away.

"YOU CAN'T TAKE CHO FROM ME, YOU BIG-HEADED HUFFLE PUFFLE!" OOTP-time Harry cried, rushing in.

"Harry, stop being an idiot," Ginny sighed.

"NOOOOO, MY KIMCHEE!" Cho screamed, "CEDRIC YOU IDIOT, WHERE'S MY KIMCHEE?"

"Stop whining, you idiot," Cedric said kindly.

Then everyone was suddenly in a gigantic fish.

"Why are we in a fish?" randomly-appearing-Neville demanded.

"I don't know," Hermione said, weeping, "I just don't know."

"Do not weep, fair maiden!" Ron said heroically, "For I am here!"

"This is sooooooo pointless!" Harry whined, "We're supposed to be looking for the heirs!"

"Who cares?" Ron asked, "We're in a gigantic fish! How about them apples?"

"What apples?" Harry said blankly, "Oh, forget about it! I'm going on my OWN!"

So he Apparated and stuff, into the Forbidden Forest!

"Huh?" Harry said, "I thought I was going to the pizza place!"

"TOO BAD!" screeched a Jarvey. "YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"

"Wow! It's a weird weasel!" Harry said enthusiastically, and did the weasel dance. Whoa, man!

Suddenly, Mandy strolled through the Forest.

"We all live in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine, a yellow—HARRY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, YOU SPONGY FREAK?" she hollered.

"How dare you accuse me of being spongy!" Harry gasped, "I feel so insulted!"

"TOO BAD!" screamed the Jarvey again.

"You're coming with me!" Mandy said, grabbing Harry's arm and pulling him further and further into the depths of the Forest, despite his attempts to bribe her with cheese.

"Here we go again," Harry groaned.

THE END…of THE LONG-AWAITED CHAPTER TEN!


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